Dear Penthouse,

I never believed your letters were real, but then one day something happened to me that I just had to write to you about.

I wrote a memoir with Seka, the Platinum Princess of Porn. Yeah, I know; who’da figured, right?

I heard that your magazine, which graced the space between my mattress and box spring for much of my youth, did a story on that book, INSIDE SEKA, in its November, 2013 issue. Imagine—me, little Kerry Zukus from Frackville, PA, in Penthouse! What boy doesn’t dream of this day?

I immediately went out to my local convenience store to buy a copy or three. They didn’t have any. Then I went to another. Same story.

All told, I went to every imaginable place where one might find magazines for sale. For an entire week. NO ONE SELLS PENTHOUSE IN CENTRAL NEW JERSEY! This could only happen the month I am in it. Or maybe I helped it to sell out; who knows?

Finally, I actually called Penthouse and explained my dilemma. And with an androgynous name like “Kerry” saying I was in the magazine, I had some woman paging through all the lovely pictures, looking for me. No, I was not the centerfold. I was not the “Pretty Young Thing” (though please check out Mary Jean on page 112. She’s really cool). They didn’t even bother to put my picture in the issue at all, which I find quite insulting. But there I am, on pages 16 & 17, and it feels good. Almost orgasmic. Thank you Penthouse. I will never doubt your letters again.